The Letters
To all the things we are breaking up with.
Formal notice is served!
Tonight, people will dress up as ghosts. Tomorrow, most of them will have the decency to stop.
We have seen the screenshots. We have heard the voice notes. We know their childhood in more detail than our own. We have enough material for a…
You sound like a plan until someone asks for a date.
You arrived at seven minutes and forty seconds, opening with “quick one” and the sound of someone reversing out of a driveway.
At first you replied before we had put the phone down. Then it took an hour, then a day, then a week and a “sorry, things have been mad”. Throughout…
This letter is addressed particularly to the Witkoppen and Rivonia off-ramp in Sunninghill. We have been doing this for years.
You promised to introduce us to someone compatible. So far, we have met a married man in a “very complicated situation” and an entrepreneur who needs…
You have taken responsibility for more bad decisions than any ex we have ever met. They should be studying your work.
You have been on our bedroom chair for eight months. Your owner lasted four.
We came to you with one screenshot and a simple question: “Am I overthinking this?” Forty-three messages later, we have an attachment style, a…
You have spent a week enjoying our breakup letters. Before this becomes another relationship in which one party refuses to explain their intentions…
Yes. We really will help you end it. We understand the suspicion. Most people who offer to sort out your love life end up recommending a crystal or…
Give Us Something to Write Home About.
Who or what deserves a strongly worded goodbye and why don’t you tell us why you have had enough. Do not worry if it sounds a little petty, we are particularly interested in anything that begins with “I know this sounds ridiculous, but…” So go ahead and nominate anyone or anything. We cannot promise to take your side, but we would love to hear it.
Some things are better ended in writing.
The only ex that texts back, and only when it has something worth saying: a new service, an offer or a piece of merch worth being seen in.
Consider it the one relationship in your inbox that comes with absolutely no expectations.
