Champagne for the Pain ~ VIP
Some endings deserve the good stuff. Your goodbye arrives with a bottle of Moët & Chandon Impérial and a personalised letter. If it has to be over, it may as well be French.
R1,400
The Modern Breakup Agency
The Breakup Menu
Pick your exit. We’ll do the talking.
- You Approve Every Word
- Strictly Confidential
- Delivered Within 5 Business Days
- Secure Payment
- No Ghosting Required
The Good Stuff
The VIP Breakup Experience
The same goodbye, with a considerably better bottle. Delivered with your letter by a licensed partner, to recipients aged 18 or over.
Tequila Without a Worm ~ VIP
For the breakups that require something considerably stronger, and considerably better. We'll deliver the letter with a bottle of Don Julio Blanco. No worm. No excuses.
R1,400
The Dear John Letter
The original way to say goodbye. A personalised breakup letter, written for you and delivered digitally. Considerably better than disappearing without an explanation.
The Breakup Call
Can't face the conversation? We'll make the call. A real person will deliver the news with kindness, clarity and enough tact to avoid making you sound like a complete dickhead.
Sorry, Here Are Flowers
Nothing softens a breakup quite like a beautiful bouquet. We'll arrange the flowers and include your personalised Dear John letter. The relationship may be dead, but at least the flowers aren't.
It's Not You, It's Chocolate
A personalised breakup letter accompanied by delicious chocolates. Because chocolate has never disappointed anyone quite like you have.
Champagne for the Pain
Some endings deserve a little sparkle. Your goodbye arrives with champagne and a personalised letter. Here's to never having to meet your mother-in-law.
Tequila Without a Worm
For the breakups that require something stronger. We'll deliver the letter and a bottle of tequila. We can't promise they'll forgive you, but they'll have something to drink while deciding.
Slow Fade Intervention
Your replies have gone from paragraphs to emojis. We'll deliver a proper goodbye on your behalf, because leaving someone on read isn't a relationship strategy.
Return to Sender
Their belongings are still living rent-free in your home. We'll arrange the return of the forgotten hoodie, spare keys or that suspiciously expensive toothbrush, with a personalised Dear John letter.
Buy a Breakup for a Friend
We've all got that friend. The one who's been threatening to leave for six months and still insists things are “complicated”. Sometimes being a good friend means buying them a breakup.
R350 to R2,000
Not Just for Lovers
The personal trainer, the hairdresser you've been too polite to leave, the group chat you've been trying to escape since 2022. Whatever the relationship, we'll help you make a graceful exit.
The Breakup Cake
Bad news, with strawberries and buttercream. A beautiful cake with your breakup message written across it. If you're breaking a heart, at least provide dessert.
R1,400
It's Complicated Concierge
Some endings need a plan, not just a letter. We create a tailored communication plan and handle it with discretion. Legal or safety matters go to the right professionals.
Price on request
After You Book
What Happens Next
Book
Choose your exit, add to cart and pay securely.
Brief Us
Tell us what happened in a short, confidential briefing.
Approve
Read the draft. Nothing is sent until you sign off every word.
Done
We deliver it, honestly and kindly, so you can get on with your life.
Before You Book
Questions, Answered
How quickly do you deliver?
Standard services go out within 5 business days of you approving the final wording. In a hurry? Add Same-Day Service and we deliver the same business day for messages approved by 12:00, subject to availability.
Will they know it came from me?
Yes. We introduce ourselves, say who asked us to get in touch and why. We never pretend to be you, we never deceive anyone, and we stop contacting them the moment they ask.
Do I see the message before it goes?
Always. After checkout you complete a short, confidential briefing, we write the draft, and nothing is sent until you approve every word in writing.
Is it confidential?
Completely. Every booking is covered by the confidentiality agreement in our Terms of Service, and briefings and drafts are deleted 90 days after delivery unless you ask us to keep them.
Where do you deliver?
Letters and calls reach anyone, anywhere. Gifts are sourced from a trusted partner in the recipient’s own city and delivered locally anywhere in South Africa, for a flat local delivery fee of R150. Alcohol only goes to recipients aged 18 or older, with proof of age on request.
Can I change my mind?
You can cancel any time after purchase, with a 50% cancellation fee. Once you approve your draft, it is final: no refunds and no returns. We are a services company working on time and materials, and our time is money, so our refund policy is strict. Full details are in our Terms of Service.
Still wondering how it works, write to letsbreakup@dearjohn.co.za.
The Small Print
We deliver the news, without the drama. Every message is approved before delivery under a non-disclosure agreement. We identify ourselves, respect the recipient’s boundaries and never engage in harassment, deception or public humiliation. Some circumstances are too sensitive or unsafe for a third-party breakup service, and we reserve the right to decline those requests.
Prices are in South African rand. Gifts are sourced from trusted partners in the recipient’s own city and delivered locally, with a flat local delivery fee of R150 anywhere in South Africa. The Handwritten Card is R150, delivery included. Alcohol gifts are available only where legally permitted, with appropriate age verification.
New bookings: letsbreakup@dearjohn.co.za · Gift deliveries: specialdelivery@dearjohn.co.za
Dear John · The Modern Breakup Agency
Don’t be a dickhead.
Be a Dear John.
