The Notice Period · Letter 12 · 1 Min Read

Dear Dating Apps

Delivered Sunday 25 October 2026.

Johannesburg
25 October 2026

Dear Dating Apps,

You promised to introduce us to someone compatible. So far, we have met a married man in a “very complicated situation” and an entrepreneur who needs to borrow R600 until Friday.

The profiles are excellent. “Emotionally available.” “Intentional.” Then the conversation begins, and their person must live within five kilometres, host and expect no plans before 22:00.

We know more about one stranger’s preferences in bed than about his job. Another wants recent full-length photographs and has supplied a group shot and a car. Apparently we are meant to work out which one he is from the bonnet.

We are deleting you. We would say we deserve better, but you will only charge us extra to look for it.

Yours, declining to upgrade,

Dear John

dearjohn.co.zaLetter 12

Forward This Letter

Send this to the friend who has matched with someone else’s husband. Again.

Send It on WhatsApp Share on Facebook

P.S.

Sorry, Here Are Flowers. For the relationship that progressed beyond the app and deserves a proper goodbye.

More Letters

Letter 10 · 23 October 2026

Dear Ex’s Hoodie

You have been on our bedroom chair for eight months. Your owner lasted four.

Letter 11 · 24 October 2026

Dear Mercury Retrograde

You have taken responsibility for more bad decisions than any ex we have ever met. They should be studying your work.

Letter 13 · 26 October 2026

Dear Potholes

This letter is addressed particularly to the Witkoppen and Rivonia off-ramp in Sunninghill. We have been doing this for years.

See All Letters

Dear John | Ex Press

Some things are better ended in writing.

The only ex that texts back, and only when it has something worth saying: a new service, an offer or a piece of merch worth being seen in.

Consider it the one relationship in your inbox that comes with absolutely no expectations.