Dear 2am Text

Dear 2am Text,

You always begin with “u up?”, as though the only obstacle to a great romance is whether we are conscious.

At lunchtime, you are not ready for anything serious. By 02:07, you are prepared to cross Johannesburg on surge pricing. Remarkable how quickly you work through your commitment issues once a bed is involved.

We know what this is. Two adults wanting a shag is perfectly reasonable. It is the “I have missed you” we object to. You missed us last Saturday too, roughly 11 minutes after the person you were actually out with went home.

We are going to bed. If you would like to see us again, suggest a time at which we could reasonably order a sandwich.

Goodnight, with considerably better judgement,

Dear John